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The Start of 2014

I guess it's time to consider this a relaunch.  The past year has been a challenging and also rewarding year.  It seems for most, 2013 was not a year of ho-hum.  Either your year seemed to suck or it was pretty awesome.  I feel like it was half of both.  Like other times in my life, I try to enjoy each season, not wish it away, and be gratefully expectant of the next coming.

I've learned over the past year how to be a mom--sorta.  Obviously, that will be a life-long learning process, and on the days when the Little Man runs up and says "Mom!" just to give me a hug and snuggle and kiss, that makes my day and my year.  Watching him grow up has been one of the biggest blessings and joys of my life.

I've learned how to chill out--again, sorta.  I'm not a chill person.  But this past year has shown me the absolute importance of taking care of myself some.  Doing things that I find soul-feeding and nourishing and recognizing how important they are has taken me a long time to realize.   It's about stewardship and I've realized that I've been pretty bad at being a good steward of myself the past year.  The first few months, heck, probably year, of Little Man's life, I was in sacrifice mode.  Sacrifice my sleep, my schedule, any self-care time.  Don't get me wrong, sacrifice is a good thing and I love him dearly, but I know that I got myself into an unhealthy place.  I know that my sleep has been drastically affected and ultimately, an unhealthy, unbalanced mom makes for a bad home-life, no matter how much sacrificing is going on.  You try to be a better person by giving up, but when you place your own care at such a deficit, everyone suffers.  Hard lesson to learn, but necessary.

Here's to a year of some balance and boundaries--for myself.

One thing that I realized I needed was to be creative.  I enjoy planning and looking to the future and doing things--but when they become part of a super-mom check list, they are soul-sucking and life-draining.  On those days where I was just wandering around like a zombie, ending it feeling like a failure for not being capable of accomplishing anything was just a nasty cycle of unhappiness.

I've spent some time thinking back to things that I loved to do and one of them was this blog.

Blogging was a way for me to unite my planning streak and creative streak and journaling streak into one.  Being on a constant look out for new information or always having it in the back of my mind to capture a new picture of something awesome helps me live more intentionally, more gratefully.    It makes me appreciate the little things in life--because I'm consciously more aware of them and intentionally looking for something awesome to share.   It's like pinterest, but reverse.  Rather than looking for awesomeness in others' lives, I look for what's awesome in my own to write about and share. For me, finding the silver lining and pausing to appreciate the daily precious moments are very healthy and keep my perspective focused where it should be--gratitude.

I've realized that somewhere along the line, my years of working in the ER have jaded me. My job forces me to think in worst-case scenarios, make some statistical and gut decisions about how likely they are, go try to prove (or disprove) them and take care of my patients, or at least not miss anything.  It's been an insidious perspective shift that has really gotten to me. At first, it started out as "ER Lessons of the Day" of crazy, silly, stupid, or ridiculous things that I ran across.  Funny, but after a while, you tend to only look at the negatives, the worse-case scenarios, and after a while, it eats at a person.  You never relax, you never enjoy. There is just this constant level of vigilance that begins to permeate your life and it becomes something that places you on edge and you're jumpy and irritable.  Not my idea of enjoying and appreciating and slowing down in life.

Here's to some fresh starts and fresh goals to go along with some fresh perspective, fresh thankfulness, and fresh gratefulness.

Ultimately, it comes down to one thing: perspective.

I want to have one where I'm enjoying the hike up the mountain, not complaining about the fact that I'm not there yet.

For the happy heart, life is a continual feast.  
Better to have little, with fear for the Lord,

than great wealth with turmoil.

-- Proverbs 15:15b-16 --


  1. So glad you're starting the blog again. I love everything you said. :) ---Kristin


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